Life is often quite chaotic. It is too easy to forget about what is most important in life—your values, your beliefs, and most importantly, yourself. We live in a society where people-pleasing is so prevalent that it is often a defining characteristic of most people (like myself).
People-pleasing behavior stems from various origins: your childhood, your parents, your interactions with others, etcetera. It often results in crossing our boundaries to support others and their needs at whatever cost to ourselves.
People-pleasing is a difficult pattern of behavior to disrupt. It is often engraved in our souls and people react (quite, negatively) when we attempt to please ourselves instead of them; this tends to reinforce people-pleasing behavior making it even harder to break such a pattern.
After several therapy sessions, there’s some food for thought that I would like to share with you. These ideas have helped me understand myself and others to pursue the ultimate goal of protecting my peace:
Understand the value of boundary-setting
At the core of people-pleasing is you allowing others to cross your personal boundaries to make them happy. This often results in an uncomfortable feeling as you feel yourself shrinking and molding to those around you without being true to yourself. It is an internal conflict.
Understanding such ideas allows you to consider setting those boundaries and making peace with how others will inevitably react when you solidify those boundaries. There is value in setting boundaries to protect one’s peace.
Understand what is in your control and what is not
No matter how hard you try, you cannot control others’ reaction to you breaking your people-pleasing tendencies. Often, breaking this pattern means that we are no longer meeting someone else’s needs and prioritizing ourselves; as you can imagine, this can be frustrating to the other person who may feel abandoned by you. They will react which is okay: You cannot control their reaction nor are you responsible for meeting their needs.
You’re responsible for your reactions and meeting your own needs.
Understand when to react
Some people will continue pushing your boundaries because they are desperate to have their own needs met. During these moments you must recognize how to act appropriately. Is it more appropriate to stand up for oneself and re-instate your boundaries firmly? Or is it more appropriate to set your boundaries and be civil when your boundaries are being pushed without compromising them?
Knowing which is the best response is difficult. Unfortunately, it does depend on the circumstances at hand. For example, is it a colleague or a family member? Will standing up for yourself firmly cause you to overthink your interaction and cause mental distress? Which will result in the most peace of mind?
Although these ideas suggest a “right” or “wrong” response, be reassured that this is not the case. The goal is to protect one’s peace, not be “right.”
Dear fellow people-pleasers, I hope you find these ideas to be helpful! I know it is hard, but we must set our boundaries firmly. Good luck! I believe in you :)
All my best,
N
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