Forgiveness

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”

― Lewis B. Smedes, Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve

Forgiveness is difficult. Recently, I had to forgive someone very dear to my heart. I was betrayed and was quite honestly, angry. After overcoming the shock of the event, I wanted never to see them again. To cut ties was not an option. They were too important to me and so, I had to learn to forgive.

I needed to let go of what had occurred. Otherwise, my mental health and my happiness would be compromised. I did not want to live my life bitter about the event. I wanted to be happy. I had to learn to forgive.

I was able to forgive.

My tips to forgiveness:

1. Know what forgiveness is and why it matters.

for·give·ness

/ˌfərˈɡivnəs/

noun

the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, and overcomes negative emotions such as resentment and vengeance.

Forgiveness is essential to your well-being. Do not let someone else’s actions undo your mental state.

It is important to forgive for a variety of reasons:

1. To let go unhealthy, negative emotions such as resentment and anger.

2. Repair relationships with those you care deeply for.

3. To improve who you are, to grow as a human being.

4. To learn to sympathize and understand one’s perspective.

5. To allow yourself to be happy and continue with life.

2. Identify and Evaluate the situation

My counsellor suggested I do an activity to understand my feelings.

Here is an example:

I was hurt when I asked you _____ and you said _____. Now I find out that you lied to me and I don't know how to trust you. I am shocked that you would hurt ______ so much and be dishonest about _______. I am so sad that _____. I feel so confused, alone, and lost - I thought I knew you....but when you ..... I'm angry that you lied about the use of funds....

Continue this practice until you have written your feelings onto paper.

3. Embrace your feelings

Let yourself cry. Let yourself feel the betrayal. Let yourself feel the pain.

This allows you to release your frustrations and come to terms with what has occurred.

4. Understand.

Look at it from their perspective:

Why did they do it? What lead them to it? How would you have acted/felt in their position?

5. Hard Conversation.

Do not hold a grudge. Have that hard conversation with the person.

Tell them how they hurt you.

They need to understand how you feel.

6. Move on.

Take small steps to mend the relationship; the relationship will be different.

Take small steps to reform that bond.

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I hope these simple tips will help you with your situation.

Trust me when I say it will get better, it really does. I know it is hard, but try. I believe in you.

My heart aches for your pain.

Once you forgive, know that I’m proud of you :)

Forgiveness is hard but is essential to your happiness.